Communications – 1
This is another piece under Challenge 44 – which is a project to improve my writing in 90 days. This is the first phase and the purpose of this phase is meeting a deadline rather than making remarkable content.
Wouldn’t be nice if everyone saw the world from our point of view and always agreed with us? Fortunately, that is not case! Why would I say fortunately? Because our point of view about thing is the product of a fear-based mental world in which we find ourselves against the whole world. As the result life becomes a zero-sum game in which everyone loses. I will describe this paradigm in my next section where I have borrowed from principles taught by Landmark and then will contrast the paradigm with a world of possibilities and can easily and effortlessly lead to a world of win-win-win.
The Already/Always Paradigm
Landmark refers to this fear-based paradigm as already/always paradigm. As the label implies this is a perspective of the world where we live in reaction to a system that already exists and our actions and behaviors in order to survive it is a reaction to this “reality”.
The World Forming Our Words
This is a very disempowering world in which because we have no say or influence on the outcome we are focused on our survival. It is a world of us against them where our language is purely in the service of this mode of existence. It is a world we try to describe where as we are in fish ball having prevented ourselves from opening to possibilities. The language associated with this state of being are Describe, Express, and Command.
In this paradigm we live off a story in our mind that describes a past, what has happened to us and the emphasis is on a future that is driven from this past. My father did x and that is why I am acting like y today, and tomorrow will be no different. A future of unlimited possibilities becomes a frightening place. We would rather live in a fish ball that we know and helplessly try to protect it from all those other people and their agenda out there. This world can be summarized in the idiom “my way or the highway”. Not because my way leads to anywhere good but because the prospect of a third way is beyond imagination, it is outside of the fish ball and thus not accessible.
It is true that as a newborn we arrive into an unknown world, unable to feed or protect ourselves. The world out there is frightening and very soon we decide that we should accept that reality in order to be alert to dangers of this unfriendly world. Along the way things will happen to us that in the absence of compassion and understanding further reinforces this paradigm. Some of the words associated with this paradigm are
- Forcing an Outcome
As you consider these words you can see a common theme. It is all about what my spiritual advisor calls “little me”. The little me is lonely and afraid. Even when the little me receives enormous love it may take a long time to realize that he is experiencing something from a world outside the fish ball. Sadly, many people never realize that this is not the only interpretation of the world. The fact that we have the power to formulate an alternative and liberating paradigm solely by the virtue of altering our interpretation of the world in which we live and the language we can use to engage rather cope with it will remain unknown to most people.
Can you imagine the implications of this alternative paradigm? Let me suggest some example. Have you heard of siblings that haven’t spoken with each other for decades? Children and parents who have not spoken, the employee who hates his or her boss and looking to change job because they can not stand him? Going from company to company because of the other manages also proved to be morons? Manages who just can understand why they employees can not perform as they would like-And they just can’t get through to the good for nothing employee. The husband and wife who like the other 50% marriages that lead to divorce have drifted away and can’t stand each other-now looking for love in other places. For some one who can understand them. this is the tragedy of living in already/always paradigm. No one understands or care for the little me.
Once in a while, something bad happens that lead to something good. When I lost my company, house and wife all within the span of few months, I was fortunate that my spiritual advisor sat me down and introduced me to I. The little me, with his back to the wall, having ran out of excuses, with all the above words having failed him, was confronted with I.
The New Possible Paradigm
Without exaggerating or trying to invoke a religious concept, I was born again. To this day I find it hard to explain my mixed feelings. I felt exhausted and yet energized. I felt all my ammo was taking away from me and yet I felt empowered. That was the power and the impact of being introduced to a new possible paradigm. The word possible is key here. The promise was presented to me that I can create this possibility and here I will try to explain it in the words shared with me by Landmark.
Our Words Creating Our World
Rather than a world where our language is in reaction to it, in order to survive the perils of our fish ball, our words can literally create the world we can live in. Rather than living in a world where need to describe the situation or our point of view, rather having to try to express it or if needed command in order to protect our survival, we can create a world. A world based on integrity, responsibility, and generosity. The words associated with this alternative possible paradigm are:
- Giving things up
- Dancing in the conversation
- Being of service
- Bringing everything and nothing to the conversation
Let me start with being of service. Can you imagine that you come to the table confronting your supposedly nemesis and with a spirit of being of service? I used to think only Jesus Christ can do that. But apparently you are given that gift as well. The question is whether you would like to exercise your gift of courage. Rather than coming with an agenda and trying to force an outcome, by convincing, changing other person’s mind, to come to the conversation with a willingness to dance in the conversation. That requires absolute presence. Life happens only in the now. You can not be present and dance in the conversation while you have an eye on the outcome. That is also the meaning of bringing everything and nothing to the conversation. Being prepared to be presented with truly diving outcomes that neither party could have even imagined. It has taken me a little exposure to science and especially the quantum theory to realize that there are actually infinite outcomes and yet from within the fish ball we are limited to only those that can pass through the filter of our story. How can we open ourselves to benefit from those other infinite possibilities that we just can’t see through our glasses? How about starting by giving up? Giving up our attachment to an outcome. By expecting nothing an liberating our souls by forgiving. Yes liberating our own souls. Even as I writing these sentences I am examining my own behavior as early as last week. An entrepreneur calling asking for a federal resume. Ping pons of questions back and forth with no substantive hep to either of us. She being frightened by an unknown future as the result of her business failing and me being focused on helping her the only way I thought I could help her, by making her a client. No love was exchanged and in the retrospect I failed to come to that conversation with everything and dance in the conversation towards servicing here. In the next extension of this article I would like to go into more practical examples how we can have happiness and joy living in this alternative paradigm of communication.